Don’t Even Bother Trying to Understand Me…

…it won’t work.

I come from a nice enough family. Well, not really. Let’s rephrase: I come from a good neighborhood (until the druggies moved next door) and I have two parents, three grandparents, three sisters, two brothers-in-law, and a dog.

Let’s start with the best: My grandparents.
Grandma #1: Rita. She’s…kind of a bitch actually. But an amazing cook, and she’s teaching my how to cook and knit.
Grandpa: Bob. Married to Rita. He’s hilarious, I can honestly say he’s my favorite grandparent. He’s always there, and I’m hoping will be there for me for a long time.
Grandma #2: Leona. My mom’s mom. She’s not doing so well (though I think it’s because she has 14 kids, and didn’t take care of herself too well). First off, only three (out of fourteen) actually care about her and visit her. Second: it’s not helping much. She has Alzheimer’s, broke her hip, and is now in a full-time nursing facility. She hates it. I’m not sure she’ll last through the year and it scares me so much.

Leona used to babysit me when I was in kindergarten. She would bake me cookies, and buy me puzzles and let me play with her dog. I can’t remember when exactly she moved into her first assisted living home, but I helped her move in, and then move out into two others. When she broke her hip, my mom crashed. She had a terrible fall, but the Alzheimer’s and UTI’s and arthritis were killing her. The doctors weren’t sure she’d make it through the surgery to have the hip replaced.

Everytime I think about losing a family member, no matter how much distance is between us, I can’t help but cry. It scares me so much. But then I think about how much I wanted to commit suicide, and how much it would hurt my family. But at times, I doubt if they’d even notice I was gone (Prolly after a week, I mean, someone has to do the dishes!).

Now onto my siblings (oldest to youngest: sisters): Nicole, Amanda, Caitlin.
Nicole is awesome. She lives pretty far away and has a nice job. She’s my half-sister on my dad’s side. I haven’t seen her since Amanda’s wedding, but we talk sometimes.

Amanda is training to be a nurse. And is good at it. And is preggers. We don’t know what gender it is yet (there will be updates!!!). I’m really close to her, probably because we don’t live in the same house any more.

Caitlin….if I had a choice, I would’ve made sure she wasn’t born. She pisses me off, almost daily. Until she goes back to college, that is. But every two weeks, its like a war in our house, a war that won’t stop until one of us moves to freaking Europe.

My brothers-in-law: Jerry and Jason.
Jerry is Nicole’s hubby of 3 years, this month (October). He’s hilarious. And wants kids, badly (though Nicole doesn’t). I talk to him more than Nicole, mainly on facebook or he’ll text me sometimes.

Jason is Amanda’s hubby, since August 2008. He’s….different I guess. They are polar opposites. Amanda= Hypochondriac OCD. Jason: Laid-back alcoholic.  He likes to drink, a lot, and hang out with friends, a lot. And he loves football (though he doesn’t understand it, or at least thats what he tells me.)

So now onto the hard part….my parents.

They’re drunks. They spend money like there’s no tomorrow. They pretty much hate me. They love Amanda/Caitlin/Nicole. They love football. They hate my friends. They hate my room.
Summing it up: Hates everything relating to me. Loves everything else. Yup? 
By the way: Their names are Bob and Jean (Have you noticed the ‘J’ pattern yet? I’ll explain:

Almost everyone in my family (excluding the grandparents), has married to someone or is dating someone with a J name.
Aunt Pat: Jackson (first husband)
 Becky (cousin): Jeff
Ashley (cousin):  Jesse
Bob (dad): Jean
Nicole (sister): Jerry
Amanda (sister): Jason

Right now, the only exceptions are me, Caitlin, and Courtney (my other cousin).

That’s my family. Now here’s the top 15 interesting facts about me:

15. I absolutely hate my life. Why? It sucks. I’ve lost everything I care about. My friends don’t trust me, my parents’ hate me, my sisters couldn’t give a shit.

14. My room = black hole. What goes in (except me) never comes out. Ever.

13. I like computers. Electronics in general. I love typing.

12. I want to major in computer sciences or psychology.

11. Every boy I know = SO FREAKING EMO. And they ALWAYS have to come to me for help. And they never shut up. Seriously. The worst part is: It’s always about my best friends and how they love them.

10. I have either borderline or manic depression. Right now, I’m in depression. Talk to me in two weeks, and I won’t have anything to actually complain about.

09. <—-My favorite number!!! And my soccer number. Wooh.

08.  I like video games. I realllly want the new Batman Lego game.

07. I got into the biggest fight ever, on the last day of school of 07-08. I lost all my friends, save 1. Now…I have ‘friends’ and ‘buddies’, but they don’t trust me I guess. They trust each other, but not me. Why? I don’t know. They probably don’t even like me. I wouldn’t like me. Even my best friend (who promised she’d always be there) couldn’t give a shit about me too much anymore.

06. I have a lot of problems, if you haven’t noticed.

05. Ever since 7th grade, I’ve been somewhat bi-polar. And my old friends knew exactly what week they needed to stay away. 

04. I really miss my old friends. They made me happy…until I started getting more distant from them. I stopped being invited to parties….I stopped getting calls from them at 1 am…..I stopped hanging out with them in general, until the last day of school. The worst part is, the girl who said she was my best friend, passed out notecards asking people to write down what they liked most at the moment.
 I wrote down how much I liked being their friends. How happy they made me. How I wouldn’t be there without them. How I was sad that we’d lost touch somehow, and that I wished we had more classes together and I didn’t have such strict parents so that we could hang out more. 
She said it made her cry in the middle of English class.
I don’t understand why it didn’t make her stop from hurting me.

03. I cry. A lot. At night, when no one can hear me.

02. I am probably the biggest hypocrite you’ll ever me.

01. I don’t think I can take much more from this life.
When I was younger, all I could think about was growing up and how great it’d be. I had all these goals, and I made all these plans. I told myself that I’d study, get a good part-time job and help around the house more so that my parents would give me some more freedom.

I don’t think any of that has actually happened.
I study….yeah right. I study my shitty grades.
Good part time job: Heck no. They talk about me worse then my schoolmates do.
Freedom: Okay, I have that….but I get in trouble if I’m not back by 12.

That’s me. I guess.

If my imaginary readers would like to know more about me, just message/email me questions. I’ll put the questions up here when I get them. 


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